Enter the Dragon

I know that we've alluded to this in earlier entries, but just so we're clear, here goes... we aren't the most attentive gardeners.
There, I said it. We have the best intentions, I'll tell you that much. So much so that we've spent countless hours of hard labor trying to be good gardeners. When we moved in, our future garden plot was crowded with these god-awful bush-tree things that the old homeowners planted because they were insane. That first summer I spent a solid week (and I mean full hot-ass summer days) tearing the damn things out. I even invested in a comealong to help me pull the stumps out after trying to chop them out the old fashioned way. We always pick out the best tiny plants, have a huge compost bin to fertilize the soil, and carefully pick the perfect spot for each beautiful sprout. The problem is, we just don't see things through. As far as weeds go, it's a huge plot of land. I always start to weed, but as the summer drags on, the weeds get the best of me... I just can't keep up, and by the time August comes, the garden is just crying out for a neighborhood school to use it as a clean-up project.
This year, I've got it all figured out. I've decided to combine my longing for a decent garden with my love of raw destructive power. Oh, and fire. Just love the fire. I was searching for some weed control ideas on the internet when I came across what might just be the coolest garden implement of all time. Let me see if I can explain without drooling all over the computer... See, you have this thing that you attach to your propane tank... sort of like a flamethrower... and you pass it over the weeds, which wilt from the heat, and die off after a few days. Of course you could just burn the crap out of them, but the instructions say you don't have to, so... I guess I shouldn't, but....
Plus, the website says it can also start your campfires, thaw pipes, sterilize animal cages (I need to buy some unsterilized animal cages!), heat branding irons, melt ice from your walkways, roast a Christmas goose (kidding), burn off irrigation ditches, and remove paint, grease or oil from concrete, metal, or other nonflammable surfaces! Who new a flamethrower could be so handy! How did I live so long without it? Can I weed and cook bacon at the same time? Most importantly, why on earth did my wife let me buy it (even though it was on sale, recommended by the National Home Gardening Club, and I love her more than anyone else on earth)? Oh yeah, that right, I haven't shown it to her yet, that's why.
Ooooh... she'll probably read this blog entry though....